I hope the Nightmares stop now.

It took 21 years for me to build courage and visit it again.
21 years is a long time, a very long time. Much had changed in these 21 years. The joint family I grew up in, had disintegrated. Many of them were dead. I now had my own small family. Life had changed completely and as they say, I had moved on.

However the one thing that had not changed, were the dreams I had. Those lanes where I grew up; those people who were more family than friends, the neighborhood, my room, our lawn, my school and much more. They used to be always there. They used to haunt me. Very often and for last 21 years. Many of my friends and family members did go back and visit it. I had heard stories of disappointment. How things were no more the same. I had seen pictures. Still the new picture never set in. My dreams continued to be from the past.

Many people told me to visit once. They said it is Important to close the loop of emotional disconnect. Somehow I was fearful. Wasn't sure if I could handle the loss in my face. The loss of a childhood, place where I grew up, place which was once my home. Place were my mom used to be there - always to help. Place were my brothers and I used to play. Place were my uncle and I used to fight and play. Place were all my friends were left back.
And now today, none of that was going to be there.

And, It was just a matter of chance that i landed there last month - for just a few hours.

I just wanted to give it all a miss and just drive past.My friend, however coaxed me to visit my home. And after a lot of anxious thoughts, i did.

And i was there, right outside what used to be my home, my world – and in my mind, it was just a few years ago. The place however looked so alien yet so close.It was not a picture from the past. The past needed to be really dug out from it.I could recognize my room from outside. With the burnt windows still smelling of the wonderful past.I found myself searching for the cherry tree i used to climb on and the lawn where i used to play. All had gone.It was now replaced by a concrete courtyard. Looked like the past was sealed under the mortar.And the industrial feel of the place made sure no familial touch remained.
The neighborhood looked familiar, however I could not find any known face around.
It was getting dark and my friend told me, it was the time to leave.I did not want to.I wanted to look more. In hope of finding something familiar.But I wasn’t sure what I was looking for.I wasn't even sure of my own emotions. I was quite perplexed.

And decided to leave. With no desire to come back again.
Am not sure if the emotional disconnect has been resolved or it had become further complicated. My only hope is that the Nightmares stop now so that I can really move on.

- Aug 2011
About my visit to my hometown – Kashmir.